In the interest of full transparency, I will tell you that I have recently celebrated my birthday. With lobster. I believe all celebrations should be made special. If it is in the stars, it is mighty fine to celebrate with lobster.

The challenging thing about making lobster at home is that someone has to put them in the pot. Alive. People don’t like to do this. I understand. But if you want lobster—and the fun of tossing lobster shells willy-nilly without worrying what other people think—get over it! I got over it.

This does not mean that I am not a humane person. Au contraire. I make sure that the lobster doesn’t suffer and that the moment is over as quickly as possible. I also consider the brain cavity size. Seriously, lobsters function almost entirely on instinct. There is no higher level state of consciousness going on in there. At least that’s what I tell myself. On my birthday. As I quickly plunge the lobsters, head first, into the pot of boiling water.

With no further ado, this is how to make a lobster.

Lobster

Ingredients

• 2 1 ¼ -1 ½ pound lobsters (one should never eat lobster alone)
• 1 lobster pot filled with water to about 2 inches from the top
• Salt

Directions

1. You need to have a lobster pot. Let me say that again: you need to have a lobster pot. That is, a pot that is tall enough to hold 2 lobsters standing up or a pot that holds approximately 12-16 quarts of water.
2. Start the water to boil about 25 minutes before you want to cook the lobsters. Add approximately 2 teaspoons of salt. This makes the water boil at a slightly higher temperature. A slightly higher temperature is more humane for the lobster.
3. When the water is boiling, grab both lobsters around their middles and plunge them quickly and together. Make sure it is HEAD FIRST. Cover the pot and set a timer for 10 minutes.
4. When the timer goes off, the lobsters are done. Take them out of the water as quickly as possible and let them sit for a minute.
5. If you plan to cook more lobsters, either have a second pot or let the water from the first pot come to a boil again before you put in the next batch.

Grab an apron or a bib or a towel, some crackers and dig in! There is nothing like lobster. If you want to see how other people make lobster, here’s an oldie but a goodie.